The ability to communicate well is a
critical component of leadership.
Sometimes our conversations turn from mundane to critical; this is when the stakes are high, when we have
opposing views and when emotions run strong.
In Crucial Conversations we
find a very applicable model for how to successfully navigate these turbulent
conversations.
Step 2 –
Learn to look. We need to watch for
signs that a conversation has turned crucial (there are opposing opinions, the
stakes are high and there are strong emotions.). To do so, we must be aware of both content
(information being exchanged) and conditions (the communication
environment). We need to watch for signs
that the other person does not feel safe (silence: they begin withholding
meaning from the pool, or violence: they begin forcing meaning into the pool). Silence typically presents itself as masking,
avoiding and/or withdrawing. Violence is
when they begin attacking, name-calling, or "everyone knows..., etc.". Here’s the critical idea: When
it’s safe you can say anything. People
rarely become defensive about what you are saying, they become defensive when
they no longer feel safe.
Step 3 –
Make it safe. – When we realize that there is a safety issue, we need to “step
out, make it safe, then step back in” to the conversation. First, we must first figure out which
condition of safety is at risk; mutual purpose or mutual respect. Mutual purpose, this is the entrance
condition; when others believe that you’re working toward a common outcome,
that you care about their goals, interests, and values and vice versa. When this is at risk, we end up in debate and
“violence” ( forcing our views, defensiveness, etc.) occurs. The main questions
are does the other person believe that I care about their goals in the
conversation. Do they trust my
motives? Mutual respect is the
continuance condition; if people don’t feel respected, the conversation stalls
quickly. When you sense trouble, seek to re-establish
safety and trust by apologizing when appropriate. Use contrasting; the idea is
to communicate what you don’t intend (“I’m not trying to hurt you”) and then
explain what you do intend or mean.
Claim One – Emotions are not foisted upon you by others. Others don’t make you mad. You make you mad (scared, annoyed, insulted, etc.). You create your emotions.
Claim Two – You have one of two options; act on the emotions or act out the emotions.
Step 5 - State My Path – How to speak persuasively, not abrasively. It’s critical that I have the confident to speak up and say what needs to be said to the person who needs to hear it. However, I must do so with humility, recognizing that I only have one perspective. Here, the goal is to STATE your path. Start by Sharing the facts; they are the least controversial and most persuasive. Then tell your story – have confidence, don’t pile on, watch for safety, use contrasting. Ask for others’ paths – the goal is to expand the pool of shared meaning Talk tentatively – we tell our story as a story, not a hard fact (perhaps, it seems…). Finally, encourage Testing – Invite opposing views, play devil’s advocate, make it safe.
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Unfortunately,
when it matters most, we often perform at our worst. Our adrenaline pumps, we’re under pressure
and we’re often ill-prepared/trained for success. We either disengage (flight) or we engage
poorly (fight). Rarely do we engage well – but it is possible. The first key is to avoid “The Fool’s Choice”
which says that I must choose between getting results or maintaining a
relationship; that I can’t be both
honest and maintain the relationship. In
reality, it is possible to do both. To
focus on the AND.
The goal or
objective of this model is dialogue. It
is to have a free flow of meaning between two or more people. It does not mean that we agree with
everything, rather, the goal is to expand the pool of shared meaning and ensure
that all ideas find their way into the open.
Step 1 –
Start with the heart. We have to start
with ourselves, our motives, and contribution to the issue. The idea is to work on me first, us
second. Our goal must not be winning,
punishing the other person or even keeping the peace. It’s about increasing dialogue and
understanding. The key questions
are: what do I want for me? What do I want for you? and What do I want
for the relationship?
Step 4 – Master My Stories – These concepts are
critical. The basic question is “How do I stay in dialogue when I’m angry,
scared, or hurt?”
Claim One – Emotions are not foisted upon you by others. Others don’t make you mad. You make you mad (scared, annoyed, insulted, etc.). You create your emotions.
Claim Two – You have one of two options; act on the emotions or act out the emotions.
See &
Hear – these are the observable facts (You were 5 minutes late). Tell a Story –
this is how I interpret the facts (the story I tell myself). It is our
rationale for what is going on. Theories
we use to explain the facts. Feel – this is how I feel based on the story I
told. Linked to our judgments (good/bad right/wrong, etc.) Act – this is what I
do based on how I feel. It’s critical
that we take control of our stories. To do
this, we retrace our steps. Notice if
you are moving towards silence or violence.
If so, what emotions are encouraging you to act this way? What is the
story you told that created the feelings? Finally, what evidence do you have to
support the story? Is it observable?
Real?
Step 5 - State My Path – How to speak persuasively, not abrasively. It’s critical that I have the confident to speak up and say what needs to be said to the person who needs to hear it. However, I must do so with humility, recognizing that I only have one perspective. Here, the goal is to STATE your path. Start by Sharing the facts; they are the least controversial and most persuasive. Then tell your story – have confidence, don’t pile on, watch for safety, use contrasting. Ask for others’ paths – the goal is to expand the pool of shared meaning Talk tentatively – we tell our story as a story, not a hard fact (perhaps, it seems…). Finally, encourage Testing – Invite opposing views, play devil’s advocate, make it safe.
Step 6 - Explore
Others’ Paths – How to listen without blowing up or shutting down. First, start with the heart, be ready to
listen. Be sincere, be curious, stay
curious, be patient. Then encourage others to retrace their path. Ask to get
things rolling (what do you mean, what’s going on, I’d like to understand). If direct
asking doesn’t work, mirror, “you don’t seem so good.” Paraphrase to
acknowledge the story - summarize in your own words builds safety. If you are
still getting nowhere , prime the pump, offer your best guess at what they are
feeling. It is an act of good faith, requires risk and vulnerability.
Step 7 –
Move to Action. It’s important to turn crucial conversations into actions and
results. In a group, we have to decide
how to decide (command, consult, vote, or consensus). Once a decision has been
made, we have to make assignments; who does what, by when, and how you will
follow up. Finally, document your
agreements and action plan.
