Showing posts with label Community. Show all posts
Growth and Change
We all have an “oughtness.” I “ought to” do this or “ought to” be that. We feel it deep inside. We carry it with us; that sense of what “ought” to be. Sometimes the “ought” is a catalyst for change. More often it plagues us, like a weight or a cloud on our souls. We want to change. We want to see change in others. We make attempts, yet find ourselves back again in that same spot in the wilderness again and again.
Dr. Henry Cloud in his book Changes That Heal offers a simple, yet profound model for change, pulling from Luke 13:
“A man had a fig tree, planted in his vineyard, and he went to look for fruit on it, but did not find any. So he said to the man who took care of the vineyard, ‘For three years I’ve been coming to look for fruit on this fig tree and haven’t found any. Cut it down! Why should it use up the soil?’
“’Sir,’ the man replied, ‘leave it alone for one more year, and I’ll dig around it and fertilize it. If it bears fruit next year, fine! If not, then cut it down.’ (vv. 6-9)
The parable starts with an evaluation. We are forever comparing reality from our expectation of “ought.” When we expect fruit and don’t find it, we feel the gap. Our natural response to unrealized expectations is often a legal one; “cut it down.” We pronounce judgment on ourselves and others. In ourselves this judgment typically takes the form of guilt, shame, and anger. We then make vows to “try harder”, only to find ourselves in the same spot time and again.
For fun, take a pen. Seriously, grab a pen. Take the ink stick out and put the pen back together. Try to write. What? It didn’t work? No, seriously. Try to write again. Still didn’t work. Try harder! Nothing, right? Anger, additional effort and positive thinking will not get a change in results. You simply cannot produce the desired results without having the right components for results to occur.
For change to occur, the first thing we must do is stop the judgment. Stop yelling at the pen because it didn’t write. Recognize that currently the ingredients for success do not exist. The pen is not able to write without the ink stick. In life, change can begin when judgment stops. Brain scans show amazing results when we enter into grace filled zones. Environments with others when the fig leaf of shame and hiding is removed. Where we are safe to be vulnerable. Welcomed in our weakness.
But simply being in the right environment does not make change occur either. We must expose the root of the problem. Truth must exist. We must dig around the tree, exposing that there is no ink. Or that we have a discipline problem or that we overeat to mask the pain of insecurity or loss. We must call out this root problem to effectively see change. But here’s the trick, we must be gentle. We must also be resolute. If we go in swinging a machete, we whack the root and kill the tree. If not resolute, we don’t deal with the real issue and try the easy fix which never solves the problem.
Now we apply grace; the fertilizer. We add back what is necessary for growth. Often this involves others delicately caring for and supplying that which we lack. Perhaps we are seeking to lead better but struggle to be organized. As a mentor, we must supply organization tools. We can schedule time with our friend to help them learn how to organize and walk them through it; often, more than once.
We then give it time. We don’t expect results tomorrow. Growth is a process. Reinforce wins, shed light on challenges, provide for needs.
Dr. Cloud illustrates the full model with a great story of a guy trying to help his CEO with a potentially life-threatening weight problem. When asked how he is helping the friend responds, “I’m holding him accountable. You know, I ask him if he’s doing the things he agreed to” However, the CEO isn’t doing those things and continues to gain weight at increased personal risk. Dr. Cloud quips that he told the friend, “stop holding him accountable, you’re going to kill him.” Instead, the friend needed to dig around the roots and realize that the CEO was new to his role and didn’t have the “E” skillset. He had recently lost a loved one and the eating was a coping mechanism. So to fertilize, they got him a CEO coach to mentor him. They would also show up at lunch time and get him out walking. A year later, the CEO was comfortable in his role, had the strong support of his team and his weight was under control with better habits to keep it there.
The “ought” had become the reality. The pen received ink and was able to write. This model opens up a lot of ideas for me. What would it be like to live in that type of authentic community? Is that type of community possible in a professional environment? What types of creative fertilizer could I be providing if I were very intentional about coming along side others. What if I wasn’t so quick to want to whack the tree down?
Dr. Henry Cloud in his book Changes That Heal offers a simple, yet profound model for change, pulling from Luke 13:
“A man had a fig tree, planted in his vineyard, and he went to look for fruit on it, but did not find any. So he said to the man who took care of the vineyard, ‘For three years I’ve been coming to look for fruit on this fig tree and haven’t found any. Cut it down! Why should it use up the soil?’
“’Sir,’ the man replied, ‘leave it alone for one more year, and I’ll dig around it and fertilize it. If it bears fruit next year, fine! If not, then cut it down.’ (vv. 6-9)
The parable starts with an evaluation. We are forever comparing reality from our expectation of “ought.” When we expect fruit and don’t find it, we feel the gap. Our natural response to unrealized expectations is often a legal one; “cut it down.” We pronounce judgment on ourselves and others. In ourselves this judgment typically takes the form of guilt, shame, and anger. We then make vows to “try harder”, only to find ourselves in the same spot time and again.
For fun, take a pen. Seriously, grab a pen. Take the ink stick out and put the pen back together. Try to write. What? It didn’t work? No, seriously. Try to write again. Still didn’t work. Try harder! Nothing, right? Anger, additional effort and positive thinking will not get a change in results. You simply cannot produce the desired results without having the right components for results to occur.
For change to occur, the first thing we must do is stop the judgment. Stop yelling at the pen because it didn’t write. Recognize that currently the ingredients for success do not exist. The pen is not able to write without the ink stick. In life, change can begin when judgment stops. Brain scans show amazing results when we enter into grace filled zones. Environments with others when the fig leaf of shame and hiding is removed. Where we are safe to be vulnerable. Welcomed in our weakness.
But simply being in the right environment does not make change occur either. We must expose the root of the problem. Truth must exist. We must dig around the tree, exposing that there is no ink. Or that we have a discipline problem or that we overeat to mask the pain of insecurity or loss. We must call out this root problem to effectively see change. But here’s the trick, we must be gentle. We must also be resolute. If we go in swinging a machete, we whack the root and kill the tree. If not resolute, we don’t deal with the real issue and try the easy fix which never solves the problem.
Now we apply grace; the fertilizer. We add back what is necessary for growth. Often this involves others delicately caring for and supplying that which we lack. Perhaps we are seeking to lead better but struggle to be organized. As a mentor, we must supply organization tools. We can schedule time with our friend to help them learn how to organize and walk them through it; often, more than once.
We then give it time. We don’t expect results tomorrow. Growth is a process. Reinforce wins, shed light on challenges, provide for needs.
Dr. Cloud illustrates the full model with a great story of a guy trying to help his CEO with a potentially life-threatening weight problem. When asked how he is helping the friend responds, “I’m holding him accountable. You know, I ask him if he’s doing the things he agreed to” However, the CEO isn’t doing those things and continues to gain weight at increased personal risk. Dr. Cloud quips that he told the friend, “stop holding him accountable, you’re going to kill him.” Instead, the friend needed to dig around the roots and realize that the CEO was new to his role and didn’t have the “E” skillset. He had recently lost a loved one and the eating was a coping mechanism. So to fertilize, they got him a CEO coach to mentor him. They would also show up at lunch time and get him out walking. A year later, the CEO was comfortable in his role, had the strong support of his team and his weight was under control with better habits to keep it there.
The “ought” had become the reality. The pen received ink and was able to write. This model opens up a lot of ideas for me. What would it be like to live in that type of authentic community? Is that type of community possible in a professional environment? What types of creative fertilizer could I be providing if I were very intentional about coming along side others. What if I wasn’t so quick to want to whack the tree down?
