L.E.A.D. - Leadership: Education & Discipleship

I should have known trouble was lurking, as the light slid from amber to red. I simply wasn't paying attention. I was going too fast, was oblivious to the warning signs. Then thud. I hit a wall.  Out of nowhere, it sneaked up on me and crossed my path.  

The good news is that this wasn't physically real; it was the emotional kind of wall we hit when we run too hard, too fast, for too long. 

Most leaders are driven.They run "at pace," focused on the goals ahead. They often have an unending supply of capacity, have crazy energy to do more and get more done. But sometimes they "over rev" the engine, and the gauges scream past the red line. I should have known trouble was on the horizon when things began to shudder and the warning lights went off.  Instead, I cruised on by my friends and colleagues with a grin on my face as my white knuckled hands gripping the steering wheel.

Perhaps, you've been there before. Perhaps you are there or know that you're getting close. This blog is a reminder (first to myself) of the warning signs of, and the recovery from, Leader-driving-too-fast-itis Syndrome.

Signs from the Road 

+ The brakes don't work, but you don't care - This is when you feel the pace pick up and you gently tap the breaks to see if they work. They don't, but you don't care. The speed is addictive; everything you have to do feels so important. After all, you need to get somewhere and you're in a hurry.

+You take relational short-cuts - Relationships take time, energy and attention. When you're driving too fast you start to avoid people, hide out, withdraw - anything to accomplish the job you are working on. 

+You ignore regular maintenance - An obvious sign that you're about to careen out of control is when you change your routine. First, it might be sacrificing sleep. Next might be your eating habits; your regular diet suffers as you rationalize that your indulgences are justified because you're working so hard. Perhaps you've forgotten to work out, or do those other types of things that energize you. Beware: danger ahead.

Stop, Drop, and Roll

 Let's change the metaphor from driving to fire - because once you hit a wall, you have likely caught fire and need to put it out QUICKLY! Stop, drop, and roll.

 +Stop - That's it. Really. You just need to stop for a while. Stop running at that pace. Stop thinking the world is on your shoulders and that it's all up to you. Stop. Take a day, a weekend, or a week and simply rest. No demands. No expectations. "Be still and know that I am God." (Psalm 46:10)

 +Drop - Drop a few expectations. Drop a few items from your to do list. If necessary, drop to your knees and seek forgiveness for the pride that drove you to go so fast in the first place. A few things might "drop," and yes a few people might be frustrated. My favorite phrase for them in these instances is, "I have two words for you - deal with it." Smile, walk away and rest. You'll be back at it again soon enough.

 +Roll - perhaps the hardest of all. Simply roll with it. Drop the pressures for a few days. No controlling everything. No trying to make everything into your image. The idea is to rest. Remember you are, or were, on fire. Getting burned hurts.  Relax, breathe, rest.

There are usually people along the way who notice that we're on a collision course. Some even point it out to us. Do you have a favorite quip that you launch back at them? The one you've rehearsed and repeated far too many times to count? The "get off my back" line?  Mine sounds super-spiritual - I love to quote Philippians 4:13, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." The problem is that in reality, I stop after the first five words. "I can do all things..."  And I believe it. But I can't, and more importantly, that Christ hasn't asked me to.

So where are you? Are there warning signs that need heeding? Are you driving at a good pace? Or have you careened off course and caught fire? If so, stop, drop and roll.

"Did he really just say that?" my wife leaned over and whispered.  We were at a marriage conference at Focus on the Family several years ago and Francis Chan was speaking.  The question he had just posed hung over the audience: "Are you focused on your family? Or is your family focused?" [video].

 

His challenge was clear. It isn't enough to simply focus attention on our activities, status, and comfort; rather, there is a deep need to set intentional direction for our families.

 

Life in the American family today is like warp speed from the science fiction films of the 80's and 90's. The control operator hits a button and the space craft lurches forward with blurry white lines whizzing past, until suddenly the craft lurches again and you've arrived in deep space. For many, deep space is graduation day or the day you give your little princess away in marriage and wonder, "where did the time go?" But for some, deep space isn't so joyous. It could be that somewhere our lives and families careened off course -  and when the white lines stop, we look around and ask, "How did I get here? What went wrong?"

 

We get in trouble because we aren't focused. But the culprit isn't just busyness. There is a foe lurking in the shadows that strikes our minds with cries of "urgency," the need to do everything, and do it now. In so doing, weariness weighs down our best intentions.

 

Vexed by this challenge in his own home and through an unfortunate passing comment made to his wife, Patrick Lencioni, one of my favorite authors on organizational health, took on the challenge to translate business principles into family management practices.  From his own journey, he wrote The 3 Big Questions for a Frantic Family, a fable about a frantic family that got focused. 

 

Recently, this book caused me to stop and look around. It was a hectic time for our family: soccer, homeschool, piano, church, ministry, and seemingly every other activity under the sun was continually vying for our energies and attentions. We were exhausted, running at warp speed. Agreeing that something needed to change, we sat down and went through Lencioni's exercises. Though still busy, and intentionally so, we now have focus.  We have a simple framework to make choices clearer and then to evaluate performance against. Here's how it works:

 

Step 1: Identify what makes your family unique.  What things make your family different from those around you? These can be your particular traits (timely, organized, athletic), or your core values (honesty, service, gratitude) or your strategy (life is centered around the family, the poor, or politics). The key is that they are true of your family; sometimes others might even think you take them too far or possibly even find them annoying.

 

Step 2: Determine your family's top priority, or "rallying cry," right now. What is most important for your family to focus on for the next 2 to 5 months? Maybe it is getting somebody healthy (spiritually, psychologically, physically, etc.). Maybe it is adopting a child or moving to a new home.  For some, it might be getting out of debt or making more time for the family. The point is that you have a singular focus. If you were to achieve just one thing during that time, what is the most impactful thing you could do?

 

Step 3: Create supporting activities.  The 3 to 5 things that must happen for you to achieve your rallying cry. Basically, they are the trackable actions that, if accomplished, will assure you of accomplishing your top priority.  Let's say your top priority is to spend more time as a family. Your supporting activities might be dad traveling less, reducing non-family activities, intentionally scheduling family dates and outings.

 

Step 4: Set Basic Health Gauges. Even focused families have to make sure all cylinders are running properly, even while you focus on your main priority. These are the typical warning lights to alert you to trouble.  They are the basic components of family life that we typically keep our eyes on: finances, health, marriage, etc. So, if your rallying cry is "remodel the basement," you may see your finance light turning red if you pass on carpet and opt for an imported wood floor. Or the marriage light, if your spouse is a bit overconfident in his ability to save costs by doing the electrical work himself. Oops.

 

The keys to success for this effort are simple.  First, set aside time to take through each of the four steps. Second, write them down. Third, review them on a weekly basis and quickly evaluate performance using a green (good), yellow (ok), red (needs attention) scale. The idea is not precision (sorry engineers), rather a quick subjective way to remind ourselves of what's important, where we're at and what changes we need to make for the next week.

 

It seems only fair that I share ours (and I'd love to see yours as well!).  It's important to note, Autumn is always an extra busy period for our family with sports, school and other activities.  As a result, we can get very outward focused. So our rallying cry for the winter is a reminder to make sure our foundation as a family stays strong.

 

 

 

Francis Chan is right; are our families focused?  Are we intentional about redeeming the days?

 

Here's to a focused family.

The 7 Habits was one of the very first leadership books I read. It has deeply impacted me and had a significant role in my development and leadership thought. I've attempted to summarize it to crystallize the key concepts; however, I do not do full justice to the work and deep thinking of Stephen R. Covey. I highly recommend reading the full book in depth.

PART 1 – PARADIGMS AND PRINCIPLES

Inside-Out 

There is a difference between outward success and inner peace and congruence. Many who achieve so much outwardly, disclose that they still feel an inner hunger, a longing for personal congruence and for healthy, growing relationships with others.

The Personality and Character Ethics

The prevailing view of leadership (last 50 years) is personality focused; those external characteristics of image, communication skills, positive attitude, etc. They, and other quick tricks, used to leverage personality to gain influence. This type of approach does not lead to inner peace and congruence.

The historical view taught a character ethic focused on basic principles of effective living where you can only experience true success and enduring happiness by learning to integrate those principles into your basic character.

The Power of a Paradigm     

The basic question, then, is what view of leadership to you prescribe to? The lens through which we see the world deeply impacts our understanding of the world. The idea is that it is very possible for multiple people to see the same thing through different lenses and come to different yet still factual understandings of it – e.g. the picture of the young/old woman. Based on your lens, you see one stronger than the other.

If we realize that we have the wrong focus, we desire change. In order for change to occur, we must be aware of our basic paradigms (ways in which we see the world) and be able to change them. If we want significant change, we can’t focus on behaviors and techniques, we must go deeper to the heart and root – our basic attitudes, views and character.

There is no quick-fix to significant change. It must start deep and new habits and ways of looking at the world formed.

The Seven Habits – An Overview

A habit is the intersection of knowledge (knowing what to do), skill (being able to do it) and desire (wanting to do it).

Effectiveness – The “P/PC Balance” P = Production. PC = Production Capacity. We all want P, however, if we only focus on the P and do not balance the PC we will have problems and the P will decrease. Example – a car as transportation is the P, if we don’t do the maintenance, PC, the effectiveness of the P (car) will diminish.  

PART 2 – PRIVATE VICTORY

HABIT 1 – Be Proactive (Principles of Personal Vision)

Our behavior is a function of our decisions, not our conditions or environment.

Between a stimulus and our response, is our ability to choose our response. We have “response-ability.” Highly effective people recognize their responsibility.

Our freedom to choose is based on our own self-awareness, imagination, conscience and values and independent will.

We can subordinate our feelings to our values.

Reactive people are affected by their conditioning and respond based on feelings and the prevailing climate; they are not effective. (cf: Good to Great – 20 mile march)

Taking the initiative – Many people wait for something to happen or someone to take care of them.
But people who end up with the good jobs or situations are proactive ones who are solutions to problems, not problems themselves; people who seize opportunities.

Listen to your language – is it proactive or reactive? If it seeks to resolve you of responsibility (I can’t, he…), you are reactive. You choose your response.

Circle of Concern/Circle of Influence

Where do you spend your time and energy? Crcle of concern – our health, our children, problems at
work, national debt, etc. Some of these things we can influence, and some we can’t. ircle of influence – things in our circle of concern that we can impact/change.

Where we focus our energy determines whether we are proactive or reactive. We must focus our energy on things we can influence, then we’ll be more effective. Focusing on the national debt or other peoples weaknesses is wasted energy and effort.

We have direct (problems solved by working on our habits), indirect (problems solved by working on our methods with others), and no control (problems not to be solved by us – must smile and accept) over certain things.

“Have’s” and “Be’s” – People who talk a lot about their need to “have” are reactive and focused on their circle of concern. People who focus on their “be’s” (I can be patient…) are proactive, character focused, and working on their circle of influence.

At the heart of our Circle of Influence is our ability to make and keep commitments and promises. First to ourselves, then to others. It is the essence of our growth.

HABIT 2 – Begin with the End in Mind (Principles of Personal Leadership)

Envision you funeral. Envision others speaking...about you...at your funeral. What would you want them to say about you?These should be the things that deeply matter to you. With this knowledge, we should focus our days around these things. 

To begin with the end in mind means to start with a clear understanding of your destination.

All things are created twice. First there is the mental creation, then the physical or second (reality) creation. If we do not consciously have the first creation, the results are by default.

Leadership and Management

I’m convinced that too often parents are also trapped in the management paradigm, thinking of control, efficiency, and rules instead of direction, purpose, and family feeling.

Do you have a personal mission statement?To write, we must begin at the very center of our Circle of Influence, our most basic paradigms and values.Whatever is at the center of our life will be the source of our security (sense of worth, identity), guidance (direction), wisdom (perspective) and power (capacity to act).Alternative Centers (Spouse, family, money, work, possessions, pleasure, friend/enemy, SELF). Any of these will directly impact our security, guidance, wisdom and power. Ultimately, Covey argues that none of these should be at the center. Our principles and values should be at our center.

HABIT 3 – Put First Things First (Principles of Personal Management)

What one thing could you do (that you aren’t doing now) what if you did on a regular basis, would make a tremendous positive difference in your life? (or business, etc.)

Independent will makes effective self-management possible. It’s the ability to make decisions and choices and to act in accordance with them.

Personal integrity is the ability to make and keep commitments with ourselves.

We’ve gone through 4 generations of time management

Rather than focusing on daily lists, make focus weekly and schedule key priorities.Make time for people and tasks. Seek balance, ensure spaces for rest.

PART 3 – PUBLIC VICTORY

Paradigms of Interdependence

Private victories always precede public victories

You can’t talk yourself out of problems you behave yourself into

The most important ingredient we put into any relationship is not what we say or do, but what we are.

Power of the emotional bank account and importance of making deposits (understanding, courtesy, kindness, honesty, keeping commitments) vs. withdrawals (disrespect, overreacting, ignoring, betraying trust, etc.)

HABIT 4- Think Win/Win (Principles of Interpersonal Leadership)

Six Paradigms of Human Interaction

Five Dimensions of Win/Win

HABIT 5 – Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood (Empathic Communication)

We have such a tendency to rush in, to fix things up. But we often fail to take the time to diagnose, to really understand the root cause of the problem.

If you want to truly influence someone, you must first deeply understand them.

Character is critical – it is constantly emanating and communicating. From it, I either trust you or I don’t.

Empathetic listening – most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply. They’re either speaking or preparing to speak. They filter everything through their own paradigms.Means listening with the intent to understand. Seeking to get inside another person’s frame of reference. To understand how they feel.Listen with your eyes and your heart. Listen for feeling, for behavior.You are focused on receiving the deep communication of another human soul.

Empathetic Listening Skills

Must be genuine!!

Autobiographical listening (typical model) – we evaluate (agree/disagree, good/bad), we probe (we ask questions from our frame of reference), we advise (give counsel based on our own experience, we interpret (we try to understand others based on our motives and frames).

HABIT 6 – Synergize (Principles of Creative Cooperation)

The highest forms of synergy focus the four unique human endowments, the motive of win/win, and the skills of empathic listening. What results is miraculous. We create new alternatives that didn’t exist before.

Synergy is the essence of principle-centered leadership.· It is when the whole is greater than the parts.

Valuing differences is the essence of synergy – the mental, emotional,, and psychological differences between people. The key is that all people see the world not as it is, but as they are.

The person who is truly effective has the humility and reverence to recognize his own perceptual limitations and to appreciate the rich resources available through interaction with the hearts and minds of other human beings.

PART 4 - RENEWAL

HABIT 7 – Sharpen the Saw (Principles of Balanced Self-Renewal)

In order to have a strong P (production) it is important to maintain our PC (production capacity) through renewal and rest.

Physical Renewal – caring for our body, eating the right foods, getting sufficient rest and relaxation, and exercising on a regular basis.

Spiritual Renewal – rejuvenating your core. Prayer, meditation, focus on scriptures.

Mental Renewal – continually learning, growing, etc.

Social/Emotional Renewal – having strong relationships with others that stems out of a principled centered life.

We must have balance in our renewal and engage all areas. When done well it is an upward spiral.

Recommendation: This is a classic leadership book that you should own, read, and re-read. Here is the link to it on Amazon - http://ow.ly/BDF3G